Everyone Wants a Village… But You’re the One Always Villaging

There’s a phrase circling social media lately that hits a little too close to home: “Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.”  My favorite millennial influencer and writer Tinx shared a video about the real consequences of not showing up for your people and the importance of doing it anyway, even when you don’t want to.

And she’s right. Community doesn’t work without commitment. And that’s a message that needs to be shouted from the rooftops.

But today’s message isn’t for the people who vanish when it’s inconvenient.

It’s for you!
The woman who always shows up.
The one who has been a villager since before “villaging” was a buzzword.
The one who handles the group chat logistics, remembers birthdays, explains the insurance forms, organizes the reservations, books the air bnb, attends the baby showers, cheers at the races, answers the late-night calls… even when she’s running on fumes.

This blog is for the chronic villager who is burnt all the way out.

When “Showing Up” Becomes Your Identity

If you’re the dependable one, the emotional anchor, the person everyone comes to when life is messy, you’ve probably internalized the message that being a good friend, partner, daughter, or colleague means always being available.

You’ve been conditioned to believe that:

• responsibility is love

• reliability is safety

• self-sacrifice is connection

And so when you hear people online demanding more villagers, you might feel confused or even guilty.
Because you’re already doing it.
You’ve been doing it.

And yet… you’re still not on the receiving end of the same devotion.

Let’s Clear Something Up: The Answer Isn’t More Boundaries

A lot of well-meaning advice tells burnt-out women to “just set boundaries,” or worse “take time away from people” in the name of self-care.

But emotional isolation is not therapy.
And over-boundaried detachment is not healing.

The issue isn’t that you’re too available.
It’s that you’re not being selective about who you’re available to.

This isn’t a boundary problem.
It’s a discernment problem.

Discernment: The Therapeutic Skill That Changes Everything

Discernment asks:

• Who pours back into me?

• Who shows up, not perfectly, but genuinely?

• Who values my time and energy?

• Who feels safe, reciprocal, and nourishing?

• And who simply… takes?

Your work isn’t to give less.
It’s to give to the right people.

Yes, Society Has Become More Individualistic… And That’s Concerning

Let’s name the truth: Our culture has shifted dramatically toward independence-at-all-costs. We are encouraged to rely on ourselves, keep our struggles private, and maintain an image of effortless competence.

This trend is alarming. Humans need community.
But my fear is that women who already over-function will absorb these messages in the wrong direction thinking they must give more, do more, show up more, because “no one wants to be a villager.”

But you?
You’re not the problem.
You don't need to be doing more.
You need a village that shows up for you.

For the Chronic Villager Who Feels Invisible

If you’ve attended every bachelorette, baby shower, pregame, graduation party, fundraiser, and 11 pm crisis-call…
If you’ve rearranged your schedule, budget, and emotional bandwidth just to keep showing up…
If you’ve been the glue in every social system but have never felt that same level of care reflected back…

Then I want you to hear me clearly:

There is nothing wrong with you.
But something about your patterns may need attention.

Sometimes we choose:

• familiar dynamics instead of healthy ones

• validation instead of reciprocity

• predictability instead of being truly seen

And often, we need therapeutic space to understand why.

You Deserve More Than a Village You Have to Carry

You deserve:

• care that flows both ways

• people who remember your needs

• friendships that feel warm, safe, and mutual

• support without having to earn it through perfection or self-sacrifice

You deserve a village, not a job.

And if you’re realizing that you’ve been the villager without a village, I’m glad you're noticing. That awareness is the beginning of change.

If you’re ready to explore why you’ve accepted one-sided relationships for so long, and how to build a community that actually supports you, I’d love to help you understand those patterns and begin rewriting them.

You don’t have to do this alone.
You never should have had to in the first place.

Reach out for a free 15 minute consultation.